Arizona Sunstone Symposium 2017

Me presenting at the Arizona Sunstone Symposium

On Saturday, March 11, my wife, Martha, and I got up quite early and made the drive down to Phoenix before the sun rose.  We made it to the Community of Christ building where the 2017 Arizona Sunstone Symposium would be held and where I had asked to present.  My speech would be entitled "From Punk Rock To Polygamy: The Story of a Mormon Fundamentalist".

I was nervous.  I wasn't sure what to expect.  Upon entering the building and registering, we  met Lindsay Hansen Park, the director, and the host of the podcast "Year of Polygamy".  She had interviewed me for the podcast via Skype back in January, but this was the first time we were meeting in person.

All through the day, there were concurrent sessions, so it was hard to pick which ones to go to.  Martha and I attended the first session given by Dr. Sujey Vega from ASU - a fascinating presentation on the history of Mormon latinos in Mesa, Arizona.  Next, we attended a session given by sex therapists, Natasha Helfer Parker and Kristin Bennion on sex addiction.  Mainly, that our view towards sex, pornography, and addiction cause damage - something that I happen to agree with.  Then we had an amazing lunch, provided by a Cuban restaurant called Republica Empanada - Cuban empanadas.  They were to die for.  While we ate, we were given a hilarious slide presentation by Jerilyn Pool called "Mormon Food Studies in Trump's America".  It was wickedly funny and left me in stitches.

Me with Lindsay Hansen Park

After lunch, Martha and I split up.  She attended a class on how to broach the subject of pornography with your children while I went to a panel of former Mormons called Infants on Thrones about Echo Chambers, or surrounding yourself with people who agree with you and how dangerous that is.

Next came time for me to do my presentation.  I did alright.  You be the judge.  I am posting the presentation below in three videos, including the Q&A session.  I really enjoyed it, and people seemed genuinely interested and polite.  There were a couple of people who told me that they drove all the way from El Paso just to see me speak.

Next, I attended a break-out session - a discussion on having difficult conversations with Mormons who disagree with you.  It was very enlightening.  Then Micah Nickolaisen of A Thoughtful Faith podcast led a fascinating discussion on psychedelics and Mormonism, speculating on how these might have influenced Joseph Smith.  As someone who has experimented with psychedelics, I found the entire notion interesting.  The keynote speaker was Thomas Murphy, a history professor from Washington.  He is a nice man, and we had an interesting private discussion about the Third Convention, Margarito Bautista, and Ozumba - topics that should interest any Mormon fundamentalist.  He gave a presentation on repatriating artifacts that Mormons have stolen and co-opted back to the native tribes.  Then the conference ended.

It was a very refreshing and educational experience for me.  First of all, it was invigorating to be accepted - and not maligned - for who I am by a group of Mormons.  Then, it was a highly liberal conference.  Generally, most fundamentalist Mormons are conservative, and I am not conservative.  The change of dialogue was refreshing to me.  Next, I have learned that I need to expand my scope of Mormons further.  In recent years, not only have I had discussions with mainstream Mormons and people of different fundamentalist sects, but I have learned to include people of other Restoration movements, like the Community of Christ.  Now, I realize that I must include former Mormons - people who have left the LDS faith for whatever reason.  There were gay ex-Mormons, the parents of gay ex-Mormons, people who have left the Church over personal or doctrinal issues.  And yet these people were here, at a conference, discussing Mormon doctrine and history.  They are still Latter-day Saints, in my book, even if only culturally.  We need to create a broader scope of who our brothers and sisters are.  We need to learn t bring discussions to the table, even when we are disagreement with people.  And yes, I heard many things I disagreed with.  But at the end of the day, there was not one person there that I would not embrace as a brother or a sister.  And I hope they felt the same,

When we left, Martha and I went out to get our sushi fix before driving home.

My presentation is found below in three videos:

Bringing Hope To Short Creek: Southwest Recovery Mission's Labor of Love

Colorado City, Arizona

In the 1930s, an isolated piece of real estate came into the possession of the Priesthood Group, a loosely organized body of renegade hold-outs of polygamy, recently cut off from the LDS Church.  It seemed perfect, isolated, remote, only accessible (then) by dirt road, nestled against the Vermillion Cliffs on the Arizona Strip, hugging the Utah-Arizona border, originally called Short Creek.  It seemed the perfect place to practice their religion, which included plural marriage and a variation of a Mormon communal system of United Order that they later branded the United Effort Plan (UEP).

There were built-in issues from the beginning.  I spoke to a man who lived there in the early days, in the 1940s, and he told me, tongue-in-cheek, that the only "freedom" he had while living there was to decide whether or not to get his wife pregnant.  (That even changed with Warren Jeff's prison edict that no man could have sexual relations with his wife without his express permission.)  This same man told me of a story - he went with the other men to fell lumber on the Kaibab, and, while he was gone, the "Priesthood" came into his house, and, while his helpless wife looked on, they emptied his pantry of all food to redistribute to other members, leaving him only two jars of peaches.

Since those days, the community has grown, being incorporated into two cities - Colorado City on the Arizona side, and Hildale in Utah.  And over the years, so has the abuse of ecclesiastical leadership increased - arranged and forced marriages, underage unions, and a plethora of other abuses,  I have a theory about this - if a community and its lifestyle becomes, in and of itself, illegal and is forced into isolation, it becomes a fertile breeding ground for tyranny and oppression for the people under a despotic leader.  This is what happened to the FLDS community under megalomaniac Warren Jeffs, who maintains his control from prison.

In recent months, there have been arrests and warrants issued for many of the leaders involved in a Food Stamp (SNAP) fraud case.  As a former Arizona welfare caseworker myself, I was aware of welfare and benefit fraud as a prevalent problem in this community.  In essence, what the leadership was doing was collecting EBT cards from the people in the community and using it to redistribute food to other people.  But the way this worked was that the elite were eating lobster for dinner, and those maligned were lucky if they got anything.  So basically, the "Priesthood" was controlling all the food as a way to control the people.  If your behavior was acceptable, you were awarded food.  If it was not, you were denied food and literally starved, along with your wives and your children.  I can think of nothing more insidious than the deliberate starving of children!

Luckily, there have been people and organizations that have worked against the odds.  From the Safety Net initiative, an interstate government cooperative organization whose primary focus in the FLDS in this region to some people organizing a music festival, many have felt called or driven to help the less fortunate in the Short Creek area.

Southwest Recovery Mission Ministries is one such organization.  They are a non-profit whose mission is to bring food to the deprived children and families of Colorado City and Hildale.  They accept food donations from various donors and churches in primarily Utah and Nevada and make sure that these donations get to families in need among the FLDS, those who have fallen victim to the evil machinations of the leadership.  They make sure that these families have enough food to provide their children.  With the donations they receive, they are also provide clothing for those in need.  The leadership has also made sure that utilities are so expensive that they provide a burden on the people, and Southwest Recover Mission makes sure that people do not have their water and electricity because they cannot pay exorbitant bills.

I recently spoke to Alan Curtis, one of the organizers and volunteers at Southwest Recovery Mission.  He talks about driving into Colorado City for the first time and remembers having seen it in a dream.  It was almost as if he was called to help these people.  Soon, he met Phil Jessop, a local who had been cut off from the FLDS twenty years earlier and had been working to bring about positive change for years.  Al tells me the early days were adventurous, complete with threats from the Goon Squad, or local enforcers.  Many of the families that accepted help were often punished by the leadership.  But the ministry has brought positive influence, and the work that they are doing is mostly accepted by the community.

Al is refreshingly self-effacing about his role in the mission and stated that he did not want to draw attention to the organizers but to the mission itself, and he gives credit for their success to the women of the former FLDS who used their networks to spread the word and encouraged many families who were suffering to come forward and receive help.  He says that many of the families who have been on the receiving end of assistance, once they get on their feet, turn around and help other families.

The main opposition that the ministry faces is getting funding.  Often, they resort to paying for food shipments out of their own pockets.  Whereas many local churches have donated funds and food, Al says that the greatest challenge is getting other Christian churches to want to help a people with such social stigma as polygamy placed on them.

I would strongly encourage you to donate to this cause.  You can make a donation on their website or on their Facebook page.

For those among the FLDS, emergency food boxes are provided usually on Thursdays at"

2012 Bubbling Well Lane

Apple Valley, Utah 84737

Contact:  Donna McGinnis

(224) 217-2405

This is a good organization, and they are bringing hope and sustenance to a people who have long needed it.  Please consider donating.  It's a worthy cause, whether you are for polygamy, or against it.

From Punk To Polygamy, Part 3: Moving To Utah

Me around 1997

On a chilly September morning in 1990, at age 20, we loaded my parents' cramped car and headed to Utah, my parents taking me and my younger brother to Utah to start college and move in with my polygamist relative, Uncle Jim.  It was my turn to drive that night, and a fog poured over the rolling highway in rural Utah, my first time in my birth state in many years.  We arrived at my Uncle Jim's house in Salt Lake City, and we were met with open arms.  That afternoon, a group of polygamist men stood around a large tree in the sunlight of the afternoon sun and talked gospel.  Even though I was a novice, I joined in.  Later, one of the women told me that she admired me for having the nerve to discuss with older men who knew more than me.  I didn't know that I had committed some faux pas.

The next day, my parents dropped me off at the campus of the local community college for registration, and then they drove off to Arizona, leaving me alone.  Apart from my summer in Belgium, this was my first time being away from home.  I puked in the bathroom, I was so nervous.  It didn't take long for me to make friends, mainly with the international students.  I joined their organization and was involved in organizing their social events.  For one Halloween party, I was asked to deejay.  Of course, I spun house music, and then someone requested Aerosmith.  Some French girl approached me and sneered, "Now, this is real music!"

Me in Sedona, 1990, with my personal go-go dancer

I found that Salt Lake City, at the time, was roughly yet consistently about three years behind the times.  Stuff I had listened to three years earlier, like The Smiths or The Cure, were popular on their popular alternative radio station.  I auditioned as a deejay at a local modern club, DV8 and played house music.  I was told firmly that this was not the kind of music their patrons listened to.  A year later, I saw a live show - British acid house outfit, 808 State, and, before the show, the deejay was spinning house.  I just shook my head.  I applied a year too early.  That is not to say that there was not a good music scene.  Fans were enthusiastic about the live shows.  While I lived there, Throwing Muses did a free show on the lawn at University of Utah, and Frank Black (of Pixies fame) did an acoustic set in a record store while on a road trip across the States.

However, I really missed Arizona, even if I did like living in Utah.  Thirty years ago, there was not as much of a latino presence in Utah as there is now.  I missed my people. I missed my food in a place where sweet salsa and Taco Time were people's idea of Mexican food.  I started listening to Mexican music, Cuban music, Puerto Rican music - anything with a latin beat.  One night, I went to an open mic poetry night at Bandaloops, and I was pining about how much I missed Arizona.  Some hipster girl rolled her eyes at me and told me that Arizona wasn't exactly "the cultural mecca of the Southwest".  Later, that girl asked me if I wanted to go to a party with her.  I think she was baffled why I coldly turned her down.  I found friendship and companionship with many of the single kids from the polygamist families my age and started attending the dances put on by Joe Darger's family in Murray Park.  Following the tastes among the polygamists, I started, for the first time in my young adult life. to listen to country music - something that shocked some of my siblings.  To this day, I still listen to it, although I can get sick of it pretty quickly.  I also reunited with Chad, a friend from high school, who lived in Salt Lake City at the time.  Since we didn't really have many other friends, we used to hang out and go to movies.  There was an art house downtown - I don't remember the name - that used to show obscure art films, and it was so cold they used to serve hot cider to help warm you up.

Me in 1990

At the end of 1991, I, along with all of my family, joined the AUB, which is one of the largest polygamous churches in Utah.  The AUB are not as physically distinguishable as the FLDS.  Most do not wear the prairie dresses (although some of the old-timers do).  Being in the AUB was like being in the LDS Church, except they practice plural marriage.  When I joined, I ran into a couple of women that had attended college with, although I had no idea at the time that they were plural wives.  One of them told me, "I wondered if you were a fundamentalist because if your last name, but when you walked into class, you were wearing a bandanna on your head, a biker jacket, cutoff shorts, and combat boots.  I had no clue that you were a Mormon fundamentalist!  You looked pretty wild!"

In the AUB, I quickly learned that I was the odd man out when it came to my musical tastes.  Rock music, in general, was eschewed as evil and generally avoided.  One evening, I was invited with other young people to BYU to attend a concert of Mormon fluff rock act, Afterglow.  There are no words to describe how much I hated this music.  It was wimpy, effeminate, and passionless, all in the attempt to engender an uplifting, spiritual version of Mormon easy listening music.  With a sour taste in my mouth, I left the concert, and Martha - who would become my wife one day - was on a date with another young man.  They were gushing about how good the concert was, and I felt nauseous.  (Okay, I was a little jealous.)  I had to tell them how much I didn't like it.

AUB leader, the late Owen Allred and me, 1994

As Martha and I started to court, I tried to share some of the music I liked with her, and I was shocked that she didn't like any of it.  I placed her Dead Can Dance.  She shook her head and said that it was too dark.  I played her the most innocent, innocuous record I could think of - "In My Tribe" by 10,000 Maniacs,  "You have to ask yourself - is this uplifting?" she asked me.

I have since come to the conclusion - why does art always have to be uplifting?  Is life always uplifting?  Can life not be dark sometimes?  Or is it always sugar and fluff?  Art should reflect life, which is sometime uplifting, yet sometimes heavy and burdensome.  It's easy for me to say that now, but I did something to myself that was unconscionable.  I tried to rewrite myself in order to fit in with the AUB.  No one forced me.  No one made me do it.  I did it on my own.  I wanted to fit in.  I wore the button-up shirts that polygamist men wear.  I ceased being controversial and was completely mild-mannered.  But mostly, I stopped listening to the music I loved, because I viewed it as evil and not conducive to an uplifting spirit.  Shortly before I got married, I took a trip to Arizona to hang out with the Baron and Matt.  I took my crate of records and cassettes and sold ALL of them at Zia Record Exchange in Tempe.  Those that I could not sell, I gave away to my friends.  I purged that out of my life.

When I come back with Part 4, I will tell you how music saved me.

From Punk To Polygamy, Part 2: The Rave Years

Me at the Domes, 1988

The summer after high school graduation, in 1988, I went on a school-sponsored summer exchange program to Belgium.  Previously, I had taken four years of high school French.  When I got to Belgium, I realized that I really didn't speak French.  After a summer over there, I came back almost fluent, speaking French almost better than my high school teacher.  My time in Belgium changed my life.

First of all, it gave me a world view, breaking out of my colloquial bubble, experiencing culture, language, and food from an entirely new perspective.  I found that everyone knew I was Mormon because of my unique name, and everyone would offer me wine.  For the first half of the trip, I set a good example, being a good Mormon boy, and politely declined any offer of alcohol.  By the end of my stay, I was doing as in Rome and trying to see how many mugs of Jupiler it took before my ability to speak French was impaired.  Many raised their eyebrows when they found out that I came from a large family.  I was depressed my first week there.  Everyone was condescending and mildly sarcastic towards me.  After a week, I started throwing the sarcasm back at them, and people warmed up.  Some were impressed by my familiarity with Marx.  One guy had blown smoke in my face when I first got there and said, "You know, I really hate your country."  A week later, he was telling me, "You are the first nice American I have ever met!"

Me in Belgium, wearing a Meat Puppets shirt, 1988

Pierre, the father of the host family I stayed with took me aside one evening.  He told me in mixed French and broken English to be more proud of who I was when people asked me.  He pointed at himself, "I, Freemason."  He pointed at me, "You, Mormon."  Then the finger darted between us.  "Freemason respect Mormon."  Of course, I was 18 and dumb.  I had no clue what the significance was in that.  But to this day, I deeply respect Freemasons, thanks to Pierre.

While there, I would attend dance clubs.  The music at these clubs was dominated by pounding electronic beats as the acid house craze was sweeping through Europe.  The Belgians had their own version of this music called New Beat.  I fell in love with this music from Belgium, much as my dad had fallen in love with Mexican music and took some home with me - Front 242, Euroshima, Lords of Acid, Jade 4U, 101, S-Express, Bomb the Bass.  Once home, I bought a lot of this music, although, in the days before internet, it was tough, involving heavy catalogs at the record stores, special orders, and a lot of patience.  And everything was on vinyl!  I ordered a lot of Chicago house, Detroit techno, and everything in between with a hard beat.  I made everyone mix tapes and got pretty good at dubbing with the equipment I had.  I deejayed parties, much to the chagrin of my friends who didn't care for house music.  I remember going to an old cotton warehouse with some of my deejay friends, setting up equipment in the empty building, and spinning music as loud as we could, although I was sad that we left the recording levels down.  No one really listened to this music or knew what it was.

Me & James in Yuma, 1989 - making the duck face before it was "cool"

By 1989, all of the clubs were playing acid house - all of them.  If you went to an alternative club, "She Sells Sanctuary" by The Cult or "Blue Monday" by New Order were no longer the longtime fixtures they once were - it was all house music, which I always described as tripped-out disco.  The clubs were mostly playing Belgian New Beat - which was a shock to all of my friends who came to visit Belgium in the summer of '89.  There were about six of them.  Imagine their surprise walking into Six Feet Under in Tempe -  which made the summer edition of Rolling Stone magazine that year - and the deejay was playing nothing but Belgian music that year.  Not only did we attend clubs, but we attended raves, or what we called back then simply "warehouse parties" - illegal deejay parties that sprung up in empty warehouses or buildings in downtown Phoenix, infamous for serving alcohol to minors and being busted by cops.

At the end of 1989, me and my good friend, The Baron, made a trip to Austin, Texas to see my friend Matt.  The first mishap - we were running late getting to the airport.  After checking our luggage, we were literally running through the airport to get to our plane.  Now, this is in the days before TSA, but we still had to go through the metal detector.  I had so many metal bracelets on both wrists that they kept setting the detectors off.  I was trying to take them off one by one to be able to get through the detectors, but it wasn't happening.  The plane was going to take off.  I pulled off all the bracelets off all together in one tug.  Skin came with the bracelets, and there was blood.  But we made the plane on time.  On the plane, I spent my entire ride staring at these business people - a man and a woman - engaged in conversation.  I really remember staring at them, realizing that I would never be like them.

Me in 1988

Once in Austin, we went to the famed 6th Street by the university with its bars and clubs.  We found this dance club.  The interior was pretty cool - three stories with a movie projector playing "The Blob" on the top story.  The club played acid house and Belgian New Beat, but the club's patrons were not sure what to do with it.  They were snobby, trendy kids with blond hair, expensive black clothes, and shiny,black shoes.  They stood on the dance floor and shuffled aimlessly to the music, not really into dancing, but there for some sort of fashion show.  Then there was the Baron and me - right out of the Phoenix rave scene, and we looked the part.  Smiley face t-shirts and buttons, leather biker jackets, the numerous bracelets were back on my wrist, hair hanging in our faces, getting into the music and really dancing.  The patrons stared at us in bewilderment, not knowing what to make of us.  It was, back then, one of the proudest moments of my life.  The evening finished out when a punk I knew by the name of John took me to party in the back of the club in an alleyway with some other punks, and I wound up on the hood of an Austin Police cruiser.  Frisked and let off with a warning.

Ghost Division, a punk band I sang for briefly

I guess I should say that, for a short time, I started experimenting with drugs.  It was part of rave culture.  I'm not really proud of it, but neither am I ashamed of it.  It was just something that happened and a learning experience.  I'm going to neither discuss it further nor glorify it.  But at this point, I was kind of in trouble spiritually.  At this time, my dad's long career in the LDS Church was coming to an end.  He was facing excommunication for belief in plural marriage.  I was the age to to go off on my mission, and I think my dad knew that I was struggling.  He started to push me in a direction to embrace my religion.  I already had had a few spiritual experiences, but nothing that I felt really defined me spiritually.  Not until one night when I was watching Martin Scorcese's "The Last Temptation of Christ", which was being boycotted by religious groups at the time because it depicted scenes where Jesus (Willem Dafoe) was married.  I had no problem with that.  As a Mormon, I already believed that Jesus was married - probably polygamously.  During the movie, the devil in the guise of an angel, portrayed by a child, tempts Jesus to come off of the cross and live his life the way he wants.  So he does and marries Mary Magdalene.  Decades later, on his death bed, his apostles come and scold him.  They gave their lives for him, and, in return, he was supposed to die for them.  He regrets his choice and wishes that he was back on the cross, and he wakes up, still nailed to the cross.  It was all a fantasy, a temptation.

Me after a rave, 1990

I drove home and thought about this movie.  Some at church had suggested that Jesus had no agency to act for himself, that he had to fulfill his calling.  God had declared the beginning to the end and had prophesied that Jesus would succeed.  So it was impossible for Jesus to fail.  He had no choice.  He had no free agency.  This made no sense to me.  How could he not have a choice?  The fact that he made a decision to go to his death made his sacrifice all that more meaningful.  So,after midnight, sitting in my car, I prayed for the first time ever, asking God to now if the sacrifice of Jesus was real, and the Spirit poured on me like sweet honey, tears flooding my eyes.  The punk, the raver knew for the first time that there was a God in heaven, and that his son was Jesus Christ.  From that moment on, I started studying every book on Mormonism that I could find.  Specifically, books on Mormon fundamentalism since that was the direction that my family was moving.

Around this time, the Baron called me up and drove me to downtown Casa Grande to look at an abandoned warehouse.  It was an old car parts warehouse, long out of use.  The Baron wanted to show it to me as an idea for opening a club in Casa Grande, which had none, yet was possibly big enough to have one.  There were catwalks all over the facility, including a cage that would be perfect for a deejay booth.  We started talking logistics about opening the club.  We were very excited over the prospect.

Me, a friend, and The Baron, Cornville, 1989

The the same time, I was approached by my parents who were very concerned about my spirituality.  They offered to pay for my schooling if I moved to Utah with my polygamist uncle and lived among the polygamists.  So, I had a choice - open a dance club, or move to Utah and become a Mormon fundamentalist.  Of course, I picked the latter.

The week before I was supposed to leave, I was mowing the lawn.  Fall was approaching in Arizona, but it was still hot.  With my younger brother, we drove to the LDS chapel for an appointment.  The building was empty except for the bishop.  He let us in and took us to his office for a very brief interview.  The first question he asked was, "Do you believe that plural marriage should be practiced in this day and age?"

My answer was, "Yes."

Next question:  "Do you believe that Ezra Taft Benson is a prophet, seer, and revelator, and the only man on the earth that holds the keys?"

My answer:  "No."

That was it, I was dismissed.

A few days later, we were loading up the car to go to Utah.  In the back of the car was a crate with all of my vinyl and cassettes.  In the hallway, as we prepared to leave, my dad stopped me.  He put both his hands on my shoulder, looked me in the eye and smiled.

"I don't think Utah is ready for you, son," he said.

A couple of weeks later, in Utah, I got two letters from the LDS Church.  One was an invitation to my priesthood court, saying that I had been excommunicated for apostasy.  The second was the result of my trial - excommunication.  So, it was official.  I was cut off from the LDS Church for BELIEF in plural marriage.  I was officially a Mormon fundamentalist.

In the next part, I will discuss being a Mormon fundamentalist, how music affected me, and what it is like being a former punk in this culture.

From Punk To Polygamy, Part 1

Me in 1988, age 18

In my recent interview on the "Year of Polygamy" podcast, Lindsay Hansen Park asked me briefly my history as a teen in the punk movement, as she thought it was an interesting aside about me.  She asked me if I thought that this interest in counter-culture movements might have contributed in any way to my embracing such an unconventional lifestyle like Mormon fundamentalism.  I mentioned that it indeed has.  There was a time when I tried to re-write myself, but, the older I get, the more I realize that punk - and other movements - helped to shape me and have made me who I am today.  I am grateful for that and have learned to embrace that part of me.  She has asked me to give a presentation at the Arizona Sunstone Symposium this March called "From Punk To Polygamy: The Story of a Mormon Fundamentalist".  I am sure that she will want me to focus more on the "Mormon fundamentalist" part than the "punk", but I thought I would write a little about that part of my life.

I grew up in Southern Utah in the late '70s.  Back then, the only thing that they played on the radio was country music.  In the home, my dad had a huge record collection he had amassed on his mission in Mexico, so we listened to rancheras and mariachi music.  Around 1979, at the age of 9, I started listening every Sunday to Casey Kasem's "American Top 40" on a portable radio.  It changed my world.  The first time I heard "Back in Black" by AC/DC, I sat transfixed, staring at the radio,  I had never heard anything like it.  It seemed almost forbidden.  From then on, I was listening to everything I could from that era - The Police, Blondie, Rod Stewart, Styx.  This was the stuff that I listened to.

In 1982, our family moved from Utah to Casa Grande, Arizona, a small town on the outskirts of Phoenix.  For a kid from rural Utah, this was a huge change.  It was '82, and I was the only kid in school still wearing bell bottoms.  I had older brothers in high school, and they made friends in the local LDS ward.  I remember, after Mutual, going to my parents' shop after hours with my older brothers and their friends to listen to heavy metal music on a record player - Rush, Ozzy, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest.  And so I became a metalhead.

Me in the center with friends from Texas, 1986

My older brother, like my dad, had a huge record collection.  His tastes became diverse, and he ranged from the conventional into more obscure bands - Motorhead, Testament, Voivod, Venom, Slayer, and Metallica.  We were listening to "Kill 'Em All" before anyone really even knew who Metallica was.  I remember some conflict between my dad and brother over the record collection and my dad throwing out some of the records that he perceived to be satanic.

And because these bands were influenced by hardcore punk, we started exploring that music - or rather, my brother started exploring, and I listened to whatever he listened to - Black Flag, Dead Kennedys, JFA, Junior Acheivment, Reagan Youth, Fear, Crass.  My brother moved on with metal, but I stuck to punk.  I was in junior high at the time, and the only other kid in the school who listened to punk was a kid named Matt who had just moved from Chicago.  I started going to his house, and we developed a love for horror films and art, fantasy fiction like H.P. Lovecraft, obscure metal and punk.  He introduced me to music like 45 Grave, Christian Death, The Effigies, and SNFU - pretty heavy stuff for some junior high kids.

The summer before I started high school, my oldest brother came home from college with a bag full of cassettes that I raided when he wasn't around.  That bag of cassettes - filled with what was then called "college music" also changed my life - XTC, INXS, R.E.M., The Cure, Depeche Mode, and New Order.  I started adding this music to my repertoire.

The Baron, me, & Matt in Round Rock, Texas, 1986

Once I got to high school, I learned that the people who listened to this kind of music were a minority.  Yes, we were close to metropolitan Phoenix, but this was still Arizona.  We were in a town dominated by cowboys and ranchers.  Anything underground was foreign and weird to them.  They made fun of us and our music.  In reaction, we changed our appearance and looked more garish - shaved our heads, used lots of hairspray, wore lipstick and eyeliner, tore our jeans, wore tees that reflected our musical tastes, wore combat boots, wore black.  One of the things that marked my generation that still persists today - we hate anything mainstream, and we embrace anything artistic, obscure, or indie.  We couldn't even drink Bud or smoke Marlboros like our cowboy counterparts - it had to be foreign beers and clove cigarettes.  Not only was our taste in music off the mainstream, but our choice in movies - "Eraserhead", "Blue Velvet", "A Clockwork Orange". This clique in Casa Grande, Arizona became very close and tight knit.  The cowboys called us "mods", albeit incorrectly.  Many of us to this day still maintain close contact through social media.  We have that shared experience of living in a small cow town, but bonding over our love of underground music.

Me & Melissa before a rave, 1990

For instance, there was Melisa, someone who made a great impact on me.  She was so cosmopolitan and "with it" that she was ahead of the times before anyone else.  For instance, she liked Madonna before anyone had even heard of her.  My youngest brother nicknamed her the "Black Widow" because of her affinity for wearing black.  We met because, at the beginning of my sophomore year, I was wearing a DIY, homemade Exploited shirt, and it drew her attention.  We started talking about music, and her knowledge was considerable.  She turned me on to Arizona's first alternative radio program coming out of Tucson on Sunday nights in 1985.  She introduced me to the music of The Smiths, The Jam, Style Council, and Siouxsie and the Banshees.  My friend from junior high, Matt, had moved outside of Austin, Texas, and continued to be instrumental in introducing new music to me, mostly gothic stuff, like Cocteau Twins, who remains to this day my all-time favorite band, as well as Dead Can Dance, This Mortal Coil, Bauhaus, and Clan of Xymox, stuff that I am still very much into.

The Domes

So, what did we do for fun?  These usually included forays into Phoenix where there was a readily available nightlife.  My older brother played in thrash metal band called Pedifile that was fairly well known locally.  While attending his shows, I got to see and meet members of the underground metal scene like members of Metallica, King Diamond, Fates Warning, and Sacred Reich, as well as honing my skills in the mosh pit (chipped my tooth).  There were a few alternative clubs that we would attend in Phoenix and Tempe - Prisms, Out of Water, Six Feet Under.  But mostly, we hung around town, throwing parties at homes or in the desert, blasting our music into the desert sky,  One of our favorite locations were a set of abandoned domes in the middle of the desert.  We simply called them "The Domes", and they were an eerie set of buildings with concrete floors, our laughter echoing off the walls.  They are heavily tagged now, but I was one of the first people to spray-paint graffiti on the walls - poetry about vampires.  The Domes are still in the desert and occasionally make online lists about haunted places in the U.S., although one has collapsed in recent weeks.

By the end of the '80s, people like us had banded into a cohesive movement.  120 Minutes was the show we all watched on MTV every Sunday night to watch videos from Husker Du or Peter Murphy to keep up on the latest music.  Arizona had its own alternative station with its smooth-voiced host, Jonathan L, who organized Q-Fest, the first alternative festival in the nation, before Lollapalooza.  (I attended the second Q-Fest). I feel lucky to have been part of this scene before it got big.

Me & my Valentine, Andi in 1987

So how did  my parents view all of this?  With remarkable tolerance.  My parents always knew that I marched to the beat of my own proverbial drum, and they did little to suppress my creative side.  The most "oppression" that I got was my dad making me cut my hair a couple of times.  Remember: all of this time, I was an active LDS kid, passing sacrament every Sunday.  In fact, some of the kids in my ward were in my "clique".  I was very careful about not getting too out of hand.  I was good at wiping off the eyeliner or lipstick or eyeliner before I got home from school, or taming my hair.  I was kind of a wild kid, and I am lucky I didn't get thrown into jail.  I remember being called a "punk kid" by a Chandler police officer and thrown down onto the hood of a car, being threatened with arrest.  The officer didn't arrest me, but let me go, and I went home shaken, my parents not even aware of the details.  By all accounts, I should either be in jail, rehab, or dead by now.  I can't account for having turned out okay.

So, why did I do it?  I moved from Southern Utah to a town with a lot of money, a lot of rich ranchers.  My family was never well-off.  We wore clothes from K-Mart.  We didn't have name brands - Polo, Reebok, Izod.  Everything in the '80s was about the brand.  If you couldn't afford to wear the brand, if you wore the imitation, you were made fun of.  I tried really hard to fit in my freshman year.  They never accepted me, and so I rebelled.  I started wearing combat boots and ripped jeans.  I would save my lunch money and buy the ugliest shirts from the '60s that I could find  from the thrift stores.  Then something surprising happened - in purposefully trying not to fit in, I became somewhat popular.  People knew me for having a unique style, and I guess it resonated with some.

I also started learning to think for myself at this time.  I became very interested in Marxist philosophy and read "The Communist Manifesto".  I became interested in the punk DIY ethic and anarchy.  I read underground, poltical 'zines, and even published one issue for our school, which was a lot of work before word processors.  I spoke like a revolutionary.  My girlfriend Andi and I got nominated for king and queen of the Christmas Ball.  I refused to participate, because I rejected popularity contests only to find Andi kind of mad at me.  I didn't take into account what she wanted.

So, all of this prepared me for life as a Mormon polygamist.  During this time, my dad was making an active effort to teach us more about the old Mormon doctrines of plural marriage and United Order.  I will continue the story tomorrow about my journey into Mormon fundamentalism and how music was a part of this.

Year of Polygamy

So, I was recently contacted by Lindsay Hansen Park, one of the directors at the Sunstone Foundation, a Mormon think tank.  Lindsay has been a series of well-known and well-received podcasts called "Year of Polygamy".  I was honored that she picked me to be a part of it.  I quipped that this was what every narcissist needed - a forum to talk about themselves!

This last Tuesday, I was snowed in at home, and I had to fire up my generator just to talk.  I made a Skype appointment to interview with Lindsay.  She was very kind, and it is very nice to have someone at her intellectual caliber give Mormon fundamentalists and polygamists such an objective voice.  It was a pleasant experience.

Anyway, the podcast aired yesterday, and I am very pleased with how it turned out.  In essence, I give highlights from my life.  I hope it is interesting.  You can listen to it here.

Lindsay has given me the possibility of presenting at this year's Arizona Sunstone Symposium with a segment aptly entitled "From Punk Rock to Polygamy".  I am looking forward to it!

Ra Ragga: My Life With The Haters

Are you threatened by this?

I am no stranger to the anti-polygamist movement.  In fact, they are the whole reason I entered this shit parade.  Back in 2007, Flora Jessop, aka Tweaking Scarecrow, published my name in some court documents, spreading lies against me.  I blogged about it here.  I realized something about the anti-polygamists then and there.  They are willing to lie their asses off to obtain their agenda.  Truth doesn't matter to them.  Insinuation is presented as fact.  Gossip is stated as gospel.  Character assassination is a viable tactic.  They don't need to know you.  They don't need to understand your circumstance.  All they know is that you are a polygamist, and, for that, you are going down!

Admittedly, not all of them are like that.  I have come across some anti-polygamists that are respectful and courteous.  Check out this correspondence I had.  My rule of thumb is this - if they are willing to have legitimate talks with polygamists, sit down at the table and have earnest dialogue, then I will return that respect.

After all, polygamists are not going anywhere.  You cannot eradicate them, you cannot do away with them, or prevent them from living this lifestyle - even at the threat of imprisonment, even at the threat of murder.  We have endured those, and WE ARE NOT GOING AWAY anytime soon.  So you might as well deal with it and use reason and logic to come up with legitimate solutions to deal with the perceived problems with polygamists, including the polygamists in these solutions.  That is the only thing that makes sense.

But the rabid anti-polygamists refuse to enter this sort of discussion.  They want blood, and they do not listen to reason.  These are the sort that I disrespect.  They are the real fanatics, and I have no problem labeling them what they are - a hate group.  A genuine hate group, right alongside the Ku Klux Klan.  Except this group of cheerless, sexless, unfulfilled, nosy, bitter, flatulent hate mongers have the ears of law enforcement, legislators, social service agencies, and mostly the media.  Sad, sad people.  They will not be satisfied short of a pogrom - all children removed from polygamous homes, all plural wives shipped into forced "rehabilitation", and all polygamist men behind bars or dead.  They want nothing short of ethnic cleansing.

The whole reason that I started blogging, going on international television, on public radio, doing interviews, etc., was to defend myself.  I realized that most people assume that polygamists are too backward, too uneducated, not verbose enough to mount a well-thought defense.  Most people assume that polygamists will say or do nothing in response to vicious attacks in the media.  They thought that about me.  They were wrong.  I refuse to give the hate-whores the opportunity to speak lies about me, or any other polygamists, without me shooting off some furious blog post in retaliation.  I will always speak my mind, and, trust me, I have plenty to say.  Thanks to polygamists like Kody Brown, Brady Williams, and Nathan Collier, polygamy is getting a new face.

Fortunately, since I am no longer a polygamist, I pass under the radar of the antis.  Since I only have one wife, I am no longer relevant, but I have dealt with the antis time and time again over the past decade.  Usually, their modus operandi is the same - they infiltrate forums where polygamists discuss online, using fake profiles.  Many, many fake profiles - most of them probably the same person.  Their purpose is to troll, gather information, and discredit as many polygamists as they can.  They are vicious and unrelenting.  By now, I am pretty good at spotting the antis in a group, and I am not afraid to call them out on it.

Anyway, I am telling a story with this,  Earlier this summer, I was asked by Kendra to help moderate a discussion site.  Kendra is a close friend to the Brown family of "Sister Wives" fame, and, over the years, she has been an online defender of the family.  For these years, I have been a part of these sites, but I pay them little attention.  The drama gets too much for me, sometimes.  She asked me to help her moderate the group, because it was overrun by antis.  Previously, she had Nathan Collier as an admin, but he dropped out due to the chaos.

So I stepped in as an admin to a group that had well over 1,500 members - and the ones who contributed the most were the haters.  It was overwhelming.  They would attack anyone and everyone who even remotely made a statement in favor of polygamy or the Brown family.  And if anyone attacked their position, they would cry foul, making accusations of intolerance.

To give you an example, I previously posted on THIS blog about my journey to see Winston Blackmore.  Immediately, I am attacked and asked if I saw any of Winston Blackmore's child brides.  I replied that I did not.  I was only introduced to one of his wives, and she was certainly not a child.  It was pointed out that I called Blackmore a "good man".  Yes, I said that.  He was a good man in my perception based on my visit there.  So how can I call him a good man, I was asked, given that he has taken child brides?  I told them that I neither saw nor heard ANYTHING about child brides while I was there.  I do not advocate underage marriage.  I have always spoken out against that sort of thing, and there is a public record going back more than a decade of me speaking against these things on the Yahoo! discussion groups, on my blogs, and many other places.  I do not condone the taking of child brides!  This was not enough for antis.  They asked how I could say he was a good man, didn't I know that he had taken child brides?  It's in the media!  No, I had never heard of Winston Blackmore taking child brides, and, if he did, I do not approve.  I actually do not follow Blackmore's life in the media.  I have better things to do with my life. That's not good enough!  Would I go on public record and condemn Winston Blackmore for taking child brides?  And my answer is - no, I will not.  Just because something is reported in the media does not make it true.  We live in a nation where men are innocent until proven guilty, and I am sure that Canada has the same rule.  I will not condemn a man who has not had the chance to defend himself, and until it is proven, it is just conjecture.  It is just gossip.  And I will not resort to the tactics of the anti-polygamists in condemning a person simply based on hearsay, on rumor.

Argh!

Next, someone got a hold of the History Channel program we did, and blasted me for our living conditions!  I have always been very honest on this blog about our living conditions off-grid.  In fact, I wrote a six-part essay on it.  It is no secret.  This anti said that the way I make my family live is abuse and threatened to call CPS on me.  That is laughable.  That episode was filmed seven freaking years ago!  Anyone who knows me knows that I moved my family out of there years ago, improving our livin conditions.  It was only temporary.  Like I live in a static bubble in space-time, never moving, never changing, my children never growing up.  Yet, in her mind, I am still living there is this house, eternally off-grid, ready for her to call social services on us.  What a joke!

It started getting old really fast.  I spent the whole week online, responding to posts, defending everything to do with plural marriage, dealing with a constant barrage of hate.  It got to the point where I was tired of dignifying their bullshit with serious responses.  Check out this argument I had with a fake profile named "Marilyn":

How dare you accuse me of being vitriolic and having prior history of being adversarial. Kendra is nothing but a bully and cannot let anyone have a different opinion to her. She is an attention seeker that is all over every celebrity she can contact on Twitter. She has other aliases where she disrespects the Browns, it's common knowledge. Maybe I should rephrase that, she used to, maybe not anymore as many have called her out on it. Did you know she accused a member of one group of hiding in a UPS van to get into the Browns houses. I believe there is a lawsuit now against her for that and rightly so. Kendra misreads people's posts and jumps on them for no reason. Do you think that she should be the only one to give an opinion. Are you star struck because she knows the Browns? You are so quick to defend her. She is on many forums spouting her opinions and jumping on anyone that disagrees with her. She has said many, many rude things to me, including accusing me of having a fake account. You say you won't put up with bitchiness and snideness, I guess that doesn't apply to Kendra though. She has made so many enemies in forums for those exact "qualities". Now you are also being singled out as a bully. As for me "taking one for team" exactly what does that mean?I'm not on any team. It's all about the power for you and Kendra, to be an admin of a group is some sort of status symbol is it? Never assume that because I am old that I will sit back and take crap like this from anyone. Abuse is bad, but elder abuse is worse.

Moroni:  :) Relax. It's just Facebook.

Marilyn:  Yes it is but I resent being called names, and everything I said above is true. If I'm to relax, then you and Kendra need to do the same. Stop acting so high and mighty. That comment about me taking one for the team etc etc makes you sound do arrogant. I would guess that it's your association with Kendra that is making you that way. She is one disliked woman on facebook and for Robyn to let her be a spokesperson for them is Sister Wives suicide. They are probably more disliked because of her and her constant defending of them. So if as you say, it's just facebook and I should relax, why the Nasty comments about me, relax, scroll past when you see my name. Kendra can do the same

Moroni:  :) Thanks for writing!

Marilyn:  Sarcasm !!!!

Moroni:  Ra ragga !!!!

Marilyn:  No idea what that means but it look immature, you really want to go to Kendra's level

Moroni:  Chim chimney chimney chinny chin chin

Marilyn:  OMG

you really need to explain your words to us senior citizens

Remember, some day, if you are lucky, you will be one, hope people speak better English to you then

Do you speak "down " to your children also, seniors and children, all beneath you I assume

Moroni:  (Here I inserted the photo of Mr. Bean up above)

Marilyn:  Your latest photo? Are you threatening me?

You look a lot like Mr Bean lol How unfortunate is that

Moroni:  That's more like it! ;)

Marilyn:  I sincerely hope your kids don't look like you, that would be more than unfortunate

Moroni: 

Marilyn:  Omg noooooooooo, please do not creat any more

Create

Moroni:  LOL God bless!

And THAT is how you deal with antis!

At this point, I deleted her and blocked her off of the discussion group.  In fact, I started cleaning house.  I deleted anyone that was perceived by me to be an anti.  The problem was - I deleted the other admin, who was an anti.  I was contacted by Kendra and asked to add her back.  Apparently, this admin was a journalist and had unflattering info on the Browns that she was threatening to use.  So I ate humble pie.  For Kendra.  For the Browns.  I added this admin back and publicly apologized to her.  She took the chance to publicly rip me a new one.  I can't tell you how hard it was to bite my tongue and take it.  This admin then added back all her friends, and they swooped down on me like a murder of crows.  They publicly posted the above exchange and said that I was threatening this poor "Marilyn".  They made fun of me, my wives, my children, and anyone who had the nerve to stand up to them on my behalf.

So, one week after being made admin, I packed it up and resigned from the "Sister Wives" forum.  I lasted only one week.  I was relieved.  I can't believe the degree of stress it gave me.  I felt dirty after trying to engage those women.  Their hatred has no bounds.  They expend more of their energy on hatred than I could ever have.  There was a distinct presence of evil with them.

I was later contacted by people who had witnessed how I was treated.  They told me that this admin has a secret group where they marshal together and plot as a group on who they will attack and how they will do it.  She sent me this screen shot of the admin bragging about her actions.

It turned out that this admin was a tabloid journalist.  She was using the group to get dirt that she could publish in articles against the Browns.  And she did.  Several articles hit the web as a result of these events, several that attempted to fling mud at the Browns.  The funny thing is - she constantly bragged about being a "journalist".  But in the end, she just took the slightest hints of conjecture and rumor and stretched them and stretched them into a story of little substance.  So much for being a "journalist".  In fact, other anti-polygamists - like Sound Choices Coalition - actually did not approve of her methods, pointing out that they were low and damaging, stating that their "cause" would be better served using other and better methods.

To me, it is all part of a plot, a conspiracy.  I think this is part of a concerted effort to smear the name of the Browns.  After all the Browns did in court to get polygamy decriminalized, the best way to distract from what they have done is to mire them down with pettiness and scandal.  I, for one, will not pay it any heed.  I refuse to engage in rumor-mongering and speak ill about the Brown family, or any other plural family when the accusations are baseless.

It makes me kind of glad.  When we first did our TLC special with Dawn Porter, they so much as told me that they were scouting us out for the potential of a program of our own.  Then we were told that we were too "basic" to have a show of our own.  Can you imagine if we had said yes, if we wound up being on display for the whole nation?  I can't imagine having cameras in my face during my divorce.  Who knows what sort of "dirt" they would have fabricated on me or any of my wives?  No, for now, I am content to remain boring.  Basic.  Monogamous.  For now.

So once again, I say with emphasis:  Ra ragga!

Plural Marriage Has a Champion: The Collier Family Challenges Marriage Equality

The Colliers

Last week, the Supreme Court made a momentous decision by ruling in favor of gay marriage, and Facebook exploded in an array of rainbow colors.  Everyone was celebrating marriage equality.

But of course, there were many of us who have personal experience that - whereas this is a positive step for the LGBT community - there are many of us who still do not have the right to marry as we wish, according to the law.  Everyone knew that the fate of polygamy was inextricably tied with that of gay marriage.  In fact, the same day of the SCOTUS ruling, I began to see memes and posts about - what about polygamy?  Does this right extend to polygamists?

Every movement needs its champion.  There has been a history of plural marriage being tried legally and being struck down.  The Reed Smoot hearings in the 1800s are an example.  Roy Potter was a Utah police officer who took his case to the Supreme Court in the 1980s and was struck down.  Potter was essentially told that his right to believe whatever he wanted religiously was constitutionally protected, but not his right to live his religion.

It was weird.  I was thinking about the TV show "Big Love", and how it has changed public perception of plural marriage.  If it wasn't for the success of that show, there would never have been a TV show called "Sister Wives", and, if wasn't for that TV show, Kody Brown would not have had the voice to take his case to court.  In December 2013, I woke up in the middle of the night to an email from a friend of mine, a anthropologist who has studied polygamy extensively.  He was the one who alerted me to the fact that a federal judge in Utah had ruled in favor of the Browns.  He ruled that the anti-polygamy laws were unconstitutional.  This was such a moment of triumph.  I stayed up the rest of the night, posting about it.  Polygamists were celebrating, and the haters were fuming.  But this meant for me that never again would I fear being placed in jail for belief and practice of plural marriage.  Can you imagine what a relief it was?

So back to the concept of a champion - I have wrote about Nathan Collier and his two wives, Vicki and Christine.  They have been featured on the last season of "Sister Wives".  I also had the privilege of presiding at their recommitment ceremony a few years ago in Montana.  What I have not mentioned is how much I admire this guy.  He has held his family together successfully for many years and is a stellar example of plural marriage.  Which is saying something, because this is not something that he was raised around.  He had to figure it out as he went.  I also know him to be a deep thinker and one of the most open-minded guys I know.

So I was not surprised that, only mere days after the SCOTUS ruling, Nathan decided to challenge the Marriage Equality Act by taking his wives to a courthouse in Montana to apply for both of his wives.  This is what he posted on Facebook that morning:

"From civil rights to suffrage, prohibition to slavery, no social injustice has ever righted itself without those willing to sacrifice for the greater good. The Brown family, the Dargers, the Williams family and many others sacrificed their privacy to create awareness of functional plural marriage and they have taken this noble effort farther than I ever thought I would see it in my lifetime. I am truly indebted to them all.
It is now my turn to throw myself on the metaphorical sword in an effort to continue to build upon the work that so many others have begun.
With the blessings and support of my wife Vicki, my wife Christine and I are heading into the Yellowstone County Courthouse today to apply for a Montana marriage license using the Marriage Equality Act as a basis for our claim.
I don't know what to expect or how this will be handled. I expect the application to be denied after which I will file a civil rights lawsuit in federal court. We could possibly be arrested and caged for daring to attempt to legitimize our marriage legally.
My stomach is in knots but I remind myself that this is necessary for change. Please keep us in your hearts."


He took a news crew with him - which Nathan believes is the only thing that kept him from being arrested.  If you watch the news report, it is hilarious to see the expressions of the employees at the courthouse as Nathan explains what he is doing.  Initially, his request for a marriage license was denied, but then he was told that a supervisor would need to review the case, and they would get back to him.

This was yesterday, and, as of today, Nathan has still not heard back from the courthouse.  Along with the Collier family, we are all holding our breath.  It had to start somewhere.  I didn't expect it so soon, but Nathan Collier, and his wives, have stepped up to the plate.  It is hard for me to imagine a world where plural marriage is, not only decriminalized, but legal.  I never thought I would see the day, and that is thanks to the Colliers for their bravery and tenacity.  A big thank you from me and my family to yours.