So You're A Polygamist. What Now?

So what was is it like to become a polygamist?

I’ll tell you this much – I had no clue. I had no example. While I lived in Utah, I had plenty of examples, but none that I was particularly close to. Yes, there was my Uncle Jim. But he was iconic. He was so much older than me and had mastered the intricacies of it decades ago.

Our small community in Arizona really didn’t have anyone who actually LIVED the Principle. Just families who believed that way and had actually not yet put it to practice. My father didn’t start advocating polygamy until he was in his fifties. He had had a brief stint as a polygamist, but that’s about it. My father-in-law had been a polygamist, but his second wife had left him eight years previous.

I had no one to tell me how to do it let alone how to live it correctly. I was on uncharted territory, so to speak.

My first inkling on how difficult it would be was the day I arrived in Utah to propose to Temple. Martha and I pulled into Temple’s driveway at 2AM, and she came out in her pajamas to greet us, very excited that we were there. I gave her a big hug. Then Temple put a mattress out on the floor for us. As Martha and I lay down to sleep, I noticed that Martha had suddenly grown cold, withdrawn and distant. When I pressed to find out what was wrong, she hissed at me, “I saw you kiss Temple!” I was baffled. Never had my lips met Temple’s. The thing that shocked me was this – always when Martha was upset was I able to cheer her up and calm her. This time I found her inconsolable. I saw a side of her that I never knew existed.

The next morning, I was standing in the hallway, talking to Temple. Martha walked by and saw us and then stormed away in anger. I followed her. Again she accused me of kissing Temple. And again, I had not even been within touching distance of Temple.

These accusations went on like this all weekend until I grew weary of being accused of something I had not done. So – using my “guy” logic – I figured that I might as well do what I was being accused of. If I was going to be reprimanded for my behavior, I might as well indulge in the behavior. So one evening, Temple asked me to feed the animals with her. We stepped outside, and I kissed her

After we got engaged, Temple came out to Arizona to spend about two weeks with us, to see if this is what she really wanted. We suggested it, because when you spend time like that with someone it is kind of hard to put your best face forward continually. You can get a general feel for what they are like. We found that we all got along.

There was the instance that we brought up babysitting to Temple. Martha and I did not have a babysitter. I had a mother who – at the time – was not very grandmotherly and would not watch our kids for us. So anytime we went anywhere, we took our kids. If we wanted to go on a date, we picked an activity where we could take the kids. We hadn’t been on a real date in years.

We shared this with Temple, adding that it would be a relief to be able to go on a real date finally. Temple told us in no uncertain terms that she was NOT coming into our family to be a babysitter, and even if we asked her to watch our kids, she would not. That was years ago, and she doesn’t feel that way any longer. In fact, she has watched Martha’s kids many, many times. But Martha and I are still apprehensive about asking her to this day to babysit for us.

At the wedding, Temple was a beautiful bride of barely nineteen years. Martha, the maid of honor was big and eight months pregnant. The reception was in Utah, and we kept it secret from the guests (mostly Temple’s neighbors) that this was a polygamous marriage.

The next day, we loaded Temple’s belongings (packed into cardboard boxes) on top of our Dodge Caravan and headed back to Arizona. The honeymoon would have to wait. I had had to call in sick to my job to attend my own wedding. (What was I going to tell them? That I was taking a second wife??) On the way, the summer monsoons of Arizona rained down on us, and all of her belongings got soaked.

So I took my second wife home to my humble, double-wide trailer. Where was I going to put her? It was only a two-bedroom house. Martha was in the master, and the kids were the other one. I offered to move the kids out and let her have the other bedroom. She refused. Once you realize how thin the walls are in trailers, you begin to understand why. We put a mattress on the floor in the living room and put curtains around the mattress. Eventually we partitioned off the living room and made an extra bedroom.

We settled into a pattern where I would stay one night with one wife, and the next. But I was finding that life was very different. I was used to winding down at the end of the day by reading a book. Immediately, my new wife said, “Oh no, I only get you every other night. I am not going to waste my night with you reading!”

I started to resent my evening times, because I could not unwind. I was not allowed to read. I was still dealing with the jealousy of both wives.

Here is a scenario not dealt with by many people:

You come home from work and one wife takes you aside and accused you of showing favoritism and more attention to the other wife. After you calm her down, you go to see the other wife, and she accuses you of the same thing. So which is it? Which wife were you really showing favoritism to? You can’t invalidate the feelings of either wife, but you know in your mind that they can’t both be right. Some advice, my friend. Be wrong. Being right is not worth it. Take your lumps and be wrong and preserve the peace in your home.

I would come home from work and park in the driveway and wish I could go back to work. I would sigh and wonder which wife was mad at me. Then I would go inside and invariably find one of them upset at me for something that I had done, or not done, it didn’t matter.

It would piss me off to go to meetings and hear other (monogamous) Mormons bear testimony of the “beauty” of plural marriage. “It’s just theory for you, buddy!” I would think. “What do YOU know about plural marriage, all safe and secure with your one wife?” The truth is – I could find no beauty in it at all.

As a last resort, I called a friend of mine in Utah. He was a man who had lived the Principle for several years until his wife died of cancer. Truth be told, he was the best example of plural marriage I had ever known. I really looked up to this man (and still do.)

I emailed him and told him, “They’re always mad at me. What should I do?”

He sent me back this smug reply: “Well, I’m happy for you. Be glad that they are mad at you, and not each other.”

One of the suggestions that he gave to me: “Change your vernacular. Change the way you define your time. Don’t let your wife say ‘my night’. Because it’s not her night, it’s your night. You choose where you spend your night. It will help.”

That was great advice. I found success in plural marriage in not giving a damn. Before, I had stretched myself thin trying to make them happy. The minute I STOPPED trying to make them happy, then it worked. “You don’t want me to read? Well, I’m sorry you feel that way. Excuse me. I want to finish this chapter before I go to bed.” It was weird. I don’t think it got easier. It’s just that my capacity to deal with it got easier.

It took about a year, and I can’t really identify when it got easier. But I remember this night – and Dawn talked about it in her article – I was laying on the couch, reading a book. Martha and Temple were in the kitchen, laughing and playing Scrabble. I lay there and realized that they genuinely liked each other. And I was happy. I realized that this is what I wanted, and that I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Plural marriage IS beautiful. But it is not for the weak or faint-hearted. Unless you are strong, unless you are fair, unless you know how to sacrifice – it will tear you apart. There is a maxim that we have learned in all of this – it works as long as all parties involved (husband, wives) are willing to sacrifice their own feelings for the sake of the others. Once one person decides they have had enough and are no longer willing to sacrifice, then it becomes a hellish experience.

BTW, these are many of the same things I said in my interview with Dawn.