Okay, that title was a little misleading, because the truth is - I really don't know. I can only say what has worked and what hasn't worked for me. But I am asked this question ALL THE TIME. I get emails from people I have never met, asking me this elusive of questions: How do I find another wife?
Being a polygamist is a unique experience - because you aren't single, so you can't exactly be trolling the single's bars. But you are kind of available, so you can keep your options open. But how do you convince women - in this day and age of One Man/ One Woman - that the ancient, biblical practice of plural marriage is right for her, and that you are willing to be her polygamy partner?
Well, first of all, you need at least one wife who is willing. I can't tell you how many men have asked me, "I really want to live polygamy, but how do I get my first wife to accept it? She ain't having it!"
If the above scenario is you, then I am sorry for you. Polygamy is about consenting adults, and you cannot force anyone into it. Polygamy is not worth giving your first wife up over. Why would you put somebody through pain and agony when they are not really into it? If you want your first wife to live plural marriage, then convince her through long-suffering, prayer, teaching, patience, love and understanding, NOT by bringing home the chick you met at the biker bar and presenting her as wife #2. In Mormonism, we call this the "Law of Sarah". In the Bible, Sarah gave Hagar as a wife to Abraham. Your first wife should have the opportunity to make this decision with you. It's about honoring her. There is no worse way to try to live plural marriage than to have someone not into it. For the sake of your sanity, don't do anything stupid like rushing into this.
Second of all, you need to find a woman - or women - who are willing. I don't know if you have noticed, but women who are willing to live plural marriage are not dropping out of the sky.
Wait, I take it back. They are. That is how Temple came into my life. I wasn't really looking, and the opportunity presented itself. Temple came out of nowhere. I know to this day that God brought her into my life. One reason - honestly, what would such a beautiful, young lady want with a toad like me? She was a Godsend, an angel that flitted into my life.
Shortly after I married her, I decided that the internet would be a great place to find the next wife. I signed up for several dating sites. I listed on my profile that I was a "polygamist". Guess how many hits I got? None. Zilch. Zip. So - in a sly maneuver - I changed my profile to "single". I started getting several hits.
Several were from Russia. "This is weird," I thought. "Why are there so many single, beautiful women in Russia?" I started getting the same letter from different Russian girls. Not similar letters, the same! And they all started asking for money for plane tickets. It becomes disheartening when you realize that the hot Russian babe that you are trying to convince of the truthfulness of plural marriage is really some dude behind a computer in Minsk.
I didn't realize what I was doing until I caused a young, single Muslim girl in Uzbekistan to fall in love with me. We wrote every day. We talked on the phone, and she thought I was single. When the time came to admit to her that I was a polygamist, it broke her heart. I caused that young lady some real pain and some real tears. I felt like such an ass.
I decided then and there that I would be completely honest about who I was and what I was seeking. I would never lie again. I haven't used the dating sites ever since.
Then there are the polygamy dating sites. If you could see me type, you would see me laughing out loud. Most of them are a joke. When you look at those enrolled, it is mostly couples "seeking sisterwives", and there are very few single ladies. And when single ladies come around, they are a hot commodity, sought by all. My wife Temple calls it "the rat race".
I did correspond with a few women this way. I will tell you about one woman. She was a divorcee in Georgia. I kept asking her why she had divorced, because that is kind of an important topic to me. Whenever I asked, she always evaded the question. She wanted to talk on the phone. But she would not give me her number. She called my phone, and she always restricted her call so that I could not see her number.
She wan't Mormon, so I thought that the first step would be for her to gain a testimony of my religion. So I arranged for her to get a Book of Mormon. This is how our email conversations ensued:
Woman:
When do I get to marry you? When do I get to be your third wife?
Moroni:
Have you read the Book of Mormon yet?
Woman:
No. When are you going to marry me?
Moroni:
We aren't even talking about that until you read the Book of Mormon.
This went on for a while until I just stopped answering her, because it was evident that she really wasn't interested. As a man, I am always coming across women who pretend to be interested in plural marriage and will indulge in the act of establishing an online relationship, but never want to take it to the next level. I don't understand such people, but they are out there in droves. Here are some warning signs when dealing online with a prospective wife:
1) If she is only interested in you, and not your other wife/ wives and children - run! Run away! She is not a candidate for your family.
2) If she does not want to meet you, and always has an excuse why you can't meet, she is not real. I'm sorry. Move on to someone who is willing to invest time and effort to get to know you.
3) If she is not willing to provide personal information (phone number, photos, mailing address, etc.) - at the same time professing that she wants to become your plural wife - she is not real.
I don't know what motivates such people. I don't understand why anyone would invest so much time and energy into deception (unless you are working for/ with the anti-polygamist organizations), but it is to the point that I am skeptical about Every. Single. Person. until i know them face to face. (On a side note, one such person actually admitted to me that she was playing such a game, and she has since become once of my best friends on the planet. Anyone remember Molly? LOL I still talk to her.)
That said, I admit that I have not been the best prospective husband in the world. I have communicated with some really sweet women, and I let the relationships wither on the vine. Because online relationships are not always the easiest. For me, I need face to face contact to establish a true connection.
But all of this has lead me to believe - the internet is NOT a great place to meet a wife. I have given up on that a long time ago. Instead, it is a great place to network with people who share similar beliefs. So I use the internet to talk to people and tell them what works for me, about my own experience.
That doesn't mean that it can't work online. I know many people who have met their plural wives online. I am just saying that it has never worked for ME, personally.
One other pet peeve - the families that allow the wife do do all the sisterwife seeking. I believe that wives should take a proactive role in the seeking out of wives, but some men turn this responsibility over completely to their wives. It has been my general observation that such women become monsters. They become more aggressive in pursuing a woman than a man generally would, and they don't take rejection well. A man will pine and mourn the loss of a prospective wife quietly, and then move on. A woman will fume and rage and curse that woman and her posterity and ancestors for all time and eternity. LOL
Another pet peeve: She is a "sisterwife" only to your wife, dude. Not to you. The lingo is new to the American consciousness, thanks to the show "Sister Wives". To the man, she is a "plural wife", or even just a "wife". If you are the man, she cannot be your "sisterwife". That has some incestuous connotations, and that's just sick. ;)
But to answer the question: How do you find a sisterwife?
Answer: Take a chance. If it is online, that's fine. But I am sure that you and your wife know at least one single lady that you would like to see come into your family. Take a chance and talk to her. What's the worst that can happen? She might say no. But you never know. She might say yes.
That said, I am still open to any and all questions. I hope this generates discussion. Peace.
